The custom of two-way marriage between men and women

Main Forms of Marriage

Among the She people, there exist two major marital patterns: the traditional practice of women marrying into men’s families, and the custom of men moving into women’s families. The latter falls into two categories. A man who marries an unmarried woman and resides with her family is known as a live-in son-in-law (入赘女婿). If a man marries a widow and joins her household, this practice is called Dropping In (入户).

Families without sons commonly take in live-in sons-in-law. Even some families with sons adopt this custom, keeping their daughters at home to recruit sons-in-law, which is referred to as "gaining a son". As a general rule, children from such marriages take the mother’s surname. If the couple has two sons, the two boys may adopt the surnames of the mother’s and father’s families respectively.

If both the bride and groom are only children from their original families, they follow the two-family arrangement (两头家). For the first few years of marriage, the couple will not settle permanently and take care of both sides of the family. After several years, they may choose to live with the better-off household.

Pre-wedding Rituals

Matchmaking and engagement are two indispensable pre-wedding procedures, accompanied by elaborate etiquette.

Wedding Escort Party

On the wedding day, the groom arranges an escort team to fetch the bride. The group consists of his paternal uncles, eloquent and talented singers called Red Men (赤郎), female attendants known as Meeting Aunts (接姑), as well as cooks.

Two days ahead of the formal wedding, the matchmaker leads the team to the bride’s home. They set off firecrackers to announce their arrival, present wedding gifts, and perform the Shoe Removal Ceremony (脱鞋礼). During this ritual, the bride takes off her straw sandals, washes her feet, and puts on new cloth shoes.

Wedding Banquet & All-night Singing

A grand feast is held afterwards. Singers from both families engage in antiphonal singing (对歌). The bride proposes toasts to guests and elders and receives red envelopes in return, a custom named Collecting Silver from Hundred Families (讨百家银).

An all-night singing party is held that evening. If singers from the groom’s side fail to respond to the lyrical riddles sung by the bride’s side, their faces will be daubed with soot from pot bottoms, bringing laughter to everyone present.

Ancestor Worship and Parting Ritual

On the next day, the bride’s family holds the Ancestor Invitation Ceremony (请祖礼). They report the upcoming marriage before ancestral tablets and pray for blessings. Afterwards, the bride’s mother places the dowry on the bed. Mother and daughter sit beside the bed weeping reluctantly, a custom known as Crying over Dowries (哭嫁妆). The formal wedding takes place on the third day.

Wedding Day Rituals

The bride’s departure time is decided according to the distance between the two families, with a strict rule that the wedding party must arrive at the groom’s home before dawn. On the journey, the bride is forbidden to look back, which symbolizes a lifelong happy marriage.

Upon arriving at the groom’s gate, the bride opens an umbrella and steps on red sacks spread on the ground, an auspicious symbol of bearing male heirs to carry on the family line. While walking toward the main hall, the groom’s relatives scatter raw peanuts along the way, wishing the newlyweds many children. The bride and groom meet for the first time during the ancestor worship ceremony held in the main hall.

Three days after the wedding, the groom accompanies the bride on a home visit (回门). The couple usually stays at the bride’s family home for two to four nights before returning. This ancient custom is still widely practiced among the She people today.

Regional Wedding Traditions and Evolution

Lively wedding scenes can still be seen in the mountainous areas of southwestern Zhejiang Province. Cheerful young people gather around the newlyweds, singing antiphonally as they walk along field ridges and mountain paths.

The bride and groom are the main singers. If the couple are not skilled at singing, bridesmaids and groomsman will take their place. Love songs express sincere affection and joy, while folk songs serve as an intelligence contest between relatives of both sides.

In the late Ming and early Qing dynasties, influenced by Han culture, some She communities began using bridal sedans for weddings. Since the reform and opening up, transportation in mountain areas has greatly improved. Nowadays, an increasing number of brides ride motorcycles, tractors and farm vehicles during the wedding procession. To experience the traditional walking wedding custom, visitors need to travel to remote mountain villages inaccessible by paved highways.

Traditional Love Songs

Love songs sung by She young men and women during courtship are heartfelt and timeless.

Courtship Duet

Male singer:

I cut firewood and head down the hill,

Waiting for the fair maid at the three-way trail.

May I ask if the golden pheasant is fit to pair with the phoenix?

Female singer:

There stands a Goddess of Mercy Hall in our village.

You may come to burn incense and pray.

Send a matchmaker to propose soon,

Then two lovers will surely be united.

First Love Duet

Male singer:

I cut firewood atop the hill,

Hoping the young lady will sing a song,

To ease my lingering sorrows and thrill.

Female singer:

A young bird takes its first flight,

Fearing the cold wind in the sky.

This maid cannot speak her love outright;

It is not that my tongue is tied,

But I fear my beloved will not cherish my heart.

Love Token Exchange Songs

When exchanging love tokens, the girl presents a colored belt and sings:

This belt is three meters long,

I give it to my beloved one.

Our true love will last forever strong,

Just like a pair of loyal mandarin ducks.

The young man gives her a towel and sings:

Both ends of the towel are blue and green,

My sincere heart lies deep within.

You wipe your sweat with it face to face,

Hide it in your bosom, heart linked with heart in every place.

(Excerpted from Records of She Custom, compiled by Shi Lianzhu, published by Central Institute of Nationalities Publishing House, 1989 edition.)